Ok, I am 46 years old, and have finally figured out my wife, for that matter, maybe all women.
My wife, Suzy has always rationalized buying more new clothes by telling me that she has nothing to match her new shoes, her belt or the new fluorescent green blouse that was on sale. I’m a guy, so this always made sense to me. Ladies clothes have to match, right?
BUT then something strange happened.
We were shopping in the mall one day, and Suzy wanted a pair of bright pink high heels. I pointed out that I didn’t think they would match anything she currently owned. Then it happened. She let it slip! Suzy said “I know they don’t match anything, but I like them and they’re on sale.” I felt as if everything started to happen in slow motion, as memories of years of shopping expeditions started to fill my mind.
WHOOPS! Busted. She tried to back track, but it was to late. This “secret female” alliance that women have been participating in, was now exposed, and the puzzle pieces all fit together.
Hmmmm… Listen up guys. It’s a trap. I am going to expose it for what it is.
Our ladies are buying pieces of outfits that match NOTHING in their wardrobes. You heard me right, I said, “NOTHING.” Then, they tell us they need the rest of the pieces in order to make an outfit. It becomes a domino effect.. Shoes, purse, blouse, and pants. It’s a never ending cylcle of clothes. And then there are “accessories.”
The dreaded accessory situation. Far be it that a woman finds herself without the proper accessory, which to a man sounds plausable enough, especially if it is discussed during 4rd down and 1 yard to go, in 4th quarter. ”Accessories” are the code word that women use to justify the purchase of everything else in the world that they need to match the new sale item purchased. I have literally seen a $5 belt manifest itself into $250 in matching clothing. Couldn’t we have just NOT bought the belt?
Well, we men don’t act this way. We only buy clothes that match everything in our closets. If it’s not brown or black, or sometimes blue, it stays in the store. This just makes sense. If we buy a new pair of shoes, we throw out an old pair. We can wear the same underwear for years, even if a hole appears. It’s neanderthal, but it saves us money and time (which is better spent watching TV). There is no such thing as clashing to a man.
Now, back to the women. This strategy probably started in caveman times when they buffooned one of us into thinking they needed a “new” leopard skin loin cloth to match their saber tooth tiger necklace. Now a days women hunt for themselves in the mall.
I believe that I am entitled to a really big prize for figuring this out and telling all you other guys. I think a new barbeque grill or HDTV or blue ray DVD player would be in order, just in case other men would like to take up a collection for me, and help support my mission of deciphering the female species.