Until recently, I thought I understood stress and grief. Like many people, I’d lost loved ones over the years, but their deaths came later in life and were, to some extent, expected. Nothing prepared me for the kind of grief that arrives suddenly and turns your world upside down.
As a pharmacist, I’ve spent decades explaining cortisol, adrenaline, inflammation, sleep hormones, and the remarkable ways our bodies respond to life’s challenges. Then, just two weeks ago, my 33-year-old son, Michael, was taken from us in an act of road rage. In an instant, everything I’d taught about stress, heartbreak, and the mind-body connection became intensely personal.
If you’d like to learn more about Michael’s story, or if you feel moved to share it on social media, please do. My hope is that, one day, his story will help bring about stronger road rage laws and prevent another family from experiencing this kind of unimaginable loss. My other hope is that his 1-year daughter will come to know her dad as the sweet and kind man who grew up to be.
In that moment of shock when the trauma surgeon gave me the horrific news, the pharmacist in me gave way to the mother in me. The textbooks are right, but they could never fully prepare me for what profound grief actually feels like. It is ugly, and unimaginable. It’s like you leave your own body.
If you’ve ever lost someone you love, especially unexpectedly… and I know many of you have, you’ve probably noticed something surprising. Grief isn’t just emotional. It isn’t just tears. It’s surreal. It’s like you feel like you’re dying – a complete full-body experience. Your body hurts. Your stomach rebels. Your heart races. You can’t think straight. You forget simple things. You don’t know what you’re even doing in a room. You wonder if you’re losing your mind.
You’re not.
Your brain and body are responding exactly as it should.
The Physiology of Tragedy
When tragedy strikes, your nervous system goes into survival mode. Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline flood your bloodstream. These chemicals are incredibly helpful if you’re escaping danger. They’re far less helpful when the danger is your broken heart, and one that cannot be fixed by pills or surgery.
After a tragic shock of any sort, the first thing people notice is brain fog. You’ll read the same paragraph three times and not remember it. Someone asks you something, and you don’t fully grasp what they’re asking. They may have to ask again.
You may lose your train of thought in the middle of a sentence. It’s all normal. Researchers have shown that grief temporarily changes the way the brain processes attention, memory, and decision-making.
Sleep is often another symptom. Some people can’t fall asleep. Others wake repeatedly during the night, becoming very restless. Even if you manage eight hours in bed, you may wake feeling exhausted and tearful again. This is because stress hormones interfere with restorative sleep.
Your digestive system also takes a hit. You might lose your appetite completely, develop diarrhea or find yourself craving all kinds of bad foods. Nausea is a big one. I remember wretching from the shock of the news. This can happen because your brain and digestive tract are constantly communicating through what scientists call the gut-brain axis.
Even your immune system can weaken. Sam was so grief-stricken he got a cold two days after we got the news. Many grieving people catch colds more easily for months afterwards, or they notice old aches and pains get worse. Chronic stress can reduce immune defenses and increase inflammation throughout the body.
Then there’s the heart. This is REALLY common.
Have you ever heard someone say they have a “broken heart?” There’s more truth to that phrase than most people realize. Severe emotional stress can cause chest pain, palpitations, shortness of breath, and elevated blood pressure. In rare cases, intense grief can even trigger a condition called stress cardiomyopathy, sometimes nicknamed “broken heart syndrome.”
None of this means you’re weak.
It means you’re human.
As a pharmacist, people often ask me what supplement they should take during difficult times. As a grieving mother my answer is the same. There is no vitamin that lessens grief, you have to get through the process of it, and the 5 stages of it. Some of us will hover in one or two stages for the rest of our lives because it doesn’t ever go away. I’d be skeptical of anyone who claims otherwise. But there are gentle ways to support your body while you’re dealing with your daily activities, or taking care of you other children, or your job.
Try to stay hydrated, even if you don’t feel like eating or drinking. Drink a lot of water, or electrolyte-replenished water. This is very important. Eat, and make sure you get some protein. If you don’t eat meat, try eggs, yogurt, eggs, or a protein shake.
If you think magneisum is appropriate (and it’s good to ask your practitioner about these things), try chelated magnesium. It’s HERE if you’d like some. Take an Epsom salt bath (that’s magnesium salts). The reason is because magnesium relaxes tense muscles and supports sleep. Speaking of, THIS has helped me tremendously… I take 1/2 a cap in the daytime at lunch, and a whole capsule at bedtime.
Take a short walk outside if your legs aren’t wobbly and you’re not dizzy. Even just, a few minutes of sunlight, and a walk around the block while talking to your loved one will help. Sam is my best friend and he cries with me, and lets me sob in his arms. My daughter… the same. We’re not okay. But as Jelly Roll says, “It’s all gonna be alright.” Right now, I’m choosing to hold on to that hope.
What Else Help with Grief
Something else you can try is keeping a journal and writing a note to your deceased loved one as if he is there. Tell him what you’d normally call to say, or text to say. I do think they hear us. Also, surround yourself with people who truly care. Just simply sitting quietly with someone who loves you, and talking can be surprisingly therapeutic.
One thing I do strongly urge you to do is not be with people who are just obligatory. If they don’t raise your energy, lift you up, or truly listen, don’t spend time with them. You are already depleted and fragile, the last think you need is someone to add salt to your wound because they are emotionally immature.
If you have a friend who is grieving, and they need you right now just remember this: Don’t worry about finding the perfect words. There aren’t any for us. Your kind words, and your presence (even if you sit silent together or cry together) matters far more than anything else.
A meal, a handwritten note, a beautiful text, a book with quotes, or prayers, an offer to walk their dog or play with their cat… or just sitting in silence can provide more comfort than advice on how to just move past it. Some of us don’t want to do that in the first few days or weeks. Some don’t want to ever get past it. When you lose someone unexpecticedly and tragically, there is a lot of shock involved, and we just need patience and time. I’m not even sure how I’m writing this blog, but I know you depend on me each week. The reality is need all of you more than you need me. Email me here if you’d like [email protected]
Healing Is Possible
I don’t know exactly what healing looks like yet. I’m still in it. I know Michael would want me to keep writing, he was so proud of how I helped others to feel better. He was such a wonderful son, I used to tell him “I could have had 10 like you.” I wish I had.
I do know one thing: if your body feels different after heartbreak, you’re not imagining it. Grief leaves fingerprints on pretty much every organ system we have. Understanding that doesn’t erase the pain, but it can replace fear with compassion.
So if you’re grieving today, be gentle with yourself. Your heart may be broken, but your body is doing its very best to carry you through one breath, one hour, and one day at a time.
A Few Resources That People Like
If you’re walking through grief yourself – or trying to support someone who is – I’d like to share a few books that have brought me comfort and understanding. I listened to most of these on Audible, especially during those sleepless hours when reading felt impossible.
My first recommendation is It’s OK That You’re Not OK by Megan Devine. She doesn’t try to fix grief or tell you how quickly you should heal. Instead, she reminds you that grief is a natural response to profound love and loss, especially after a sudden tragedy.
Here’s one book that I just downloaded from Audible called, Bearing the Unbearable by Joanne Cacciatore. She writes not only as a grief therapist but also as a mother who lost her own child. Her words are gentle, compassionate, and filled with the kind of understanding that only someone who has walked this path can offer.
If you’re wondering why your mind feels so foggy, or why your body seems to be reacting as much as your heart, The Grieving Brain by Mary-Frances O’Connor helps explain the neuroscience behind grief in a way that’s both fascinating and reassuring. I will check that one out soon too.
For readers who find comfort in faith, A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis remains a timeless classic. It’s honest, raw, and reminds us that even great thinkers struggled to make sense of heartbreaking loss.
I think Finding Meaning by David Kessler to be especially helpful. Rather than encouraging us to “move on,” he explores how we can eventually find meaning while continuing to love the person we’ve lost.
Another excellent resource is Resilient Grieving by Lucy Hone, who wrote from the perspective of a mother after the sudden death of her young daughter. Her practical guidance focuses on getting through one day—and sometimes one hour—at a time.
A Few Resources That Have Helped Me
If you’re walking through grief yourself—or trying to support someone who is—I’d like to share a few books that have brought me comfort and understanding. I listened to most of these on Audible, especially during those sleepless hours when reading felt impossible.
My first recommendation is It’s OK That You’re Not OK by Megan Devine. She doesn’t try to fix grief or tell you how quickly you should heal. Instead, she reminds you that grief is a natural response to profound love and loss, especially after a sudden tragedy.
Another book that touched me deeply is Bearing the Unbearable by Joanne Cacciatore. She writes not only as a grief therapist but also as a mother who lost her own child. Her words are gentle, compassionate, and filled with the kind of understanding that only someone who has walked this path can offer.
If you’re wondering why your mind feels so foggy, or why your body seems to be reacting as much as your heart, The Grieving Brain by Mary-Frances O’Connor helps explain the neuroscience behind grief in a way that’s both fascinating and reassuring.
For readers who find comfort in faith, A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis remains a timeless classic. It’s honest, raw, and reminds us that even great thinkers struggled to make sense of heartbreaking loss.
I also found Finding Meaning by David Kessler to be especially helpful. Rather than encouraging us to “move on,” he explores how we can eventually find meaning while continuing to love the person we’ve lost.
Another excellent resource is Resilient Grieving by Lucy Hone, who wrote from the perspective of a mother after the sudden death of her young daughter. Her practical guidance focuses on getting through one day—and sometimes one hour—at a time.
If you’re open to exploring the spiritual side of loss, one book that has brought comfort to many readers is Only Love Is Real by Dr. Brian Weiss. It offers a hopeful perspective on love, loss, and the possibility that our connections with those we love may extend beyond this lifetime. Whether its message resonates with you is a personal decision, but some grieving people find the message profoundly comforting.
For those coping with a traumatic loss, I would also recommend The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. While it’s not specifically about grief, it offers valuable insight into why trauma can leave us feeling constantly on alert, emotionally numb, unable to sleep, or trapped in painful memories.
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Suzy Cohen, RPh, has been a licensed pharmacist for over 30 years, blending conventional medicine with natural approaches to help people feel better and live healthier. She is the founder of Script Essentials, a supplement company known for targeted, custom-formulated products, some with patented innovations.
With a special focus on thyroid health, functional medicine, and drug-induced nutrient depletion (what she calls “drug muggers”), Suzy is the author of several books including Thyroid Healthy, Drug Muggers, and Diabetes Without Drugs. She also writes a nationally syndicated health column and shares practical, easy-to-understand guidance with readers around the world.
